What's Going On?

Why are they killing our black celebrities?

Since celebrities die in groups of three, who's next? Post your guesses here, or email them to LazyRevolution@gmail.com. The winner gets a genuine, official, gourmet Lazy Revolution t-shirt, as worn by George Clooney, Scarlett Johansson, Miles Davis, Kim Kardashian, and Barack Obama in a very odd dream I had the other night after eating pickles past 11pm. Yes, I'm serious! A t-shirt in your choice of size with the official LR logo! Thanks to David Merk for a sweet design. We'll have more questions coming up, and each time there will be something to win, so keep reading. When, of course, there's something here to read.

Peace,

T-to-the-B

for the winner...

www.cafepress.com/LazyRev

My Candidate Came to Play!

I want a President that can drain the 3-pointer! It's time for a Leader we can actually admire.


If John McCain treid this, he'd break his hip. Or knock over a bunch of pickle jars.

Obama '08

Peace,

T-to-the-B

Headlines!

Actual headlines on the same Yahoo News page on July 24th, 2008...

Obama urges Germans to work with US to stop terror (AP)

McCain visits German restaurant in Ohio


Poor Oldie McPastyskinbadteeth, he's just falling apart, physically and mentally.

Future headlines we may see as the campaign wears on...


Obama Unites Israelis, Palestinians in Historic Accord

McCain Unites French Fry and Ketchup in Front Seat of Accord


Obama Meets with Iranian President to Discuss Peace

McCain Meets Floor after Dizzy Spell


Obama Urges Nation to Come Together as One America

McCain Urges Nurse to Change his Adult Diaper


Inaugural Ball for Obama a Grand Event

Dinner at Denny's "Pretty Good" Says McCain


Obama '08

www.JoinJohn.us

Peace,

T-to-the-B

Bowling for Hugs

Can Barack Obama really be the next President?

Now come on, people, the man CAN'T BOWL!


Do we really want a President who throws gutter balls?



Answer: YES!



Personally, I'm proud of the fact that I am not very good at bowling, golf, or other meaningless white people activities. The POTUS should not have TIME to get good at any of these things. Plus, I want someone interested in policy, not socializing. That whole, "vote for the candidate you'd rather have a beer with" notion was stupid to begin with, but proved dangerously stupid when dumbasses voted for Bush as a "regular guy." Do regular people get bailed out and rescued from failed businesses by their Daddy? Do regular people get handed executive positions, a Governorship AND the Presidency when they have consistently shown they deserve none of them? Do regular people get drunk, stagger, fall, hit their head and bruise their face, then blame it on "choking on a pretzel?" You forgot about that one, didn't you?



Bush is a liar, and an extremely ignorant man. At the same time, he is improbably very arrogant. He gives everyone he meets condescending nicknames. Even people he likes. Karl Rove, who is responsible for getting Bush elected to every single position he's held (both of them), for pulling the most despicable political tricks, and as history will eventually show, rigging Florida in '00 and Ohio in '04, Bush calls him "Turdblossom."



Oh, how I wish there were more Democrats with a spine. Why this smirking, dumb, rich frat boy wasn't impeached and actually thrown out of office is beyond explanation. Nancy Pelosi deserves a red-white-and-blue ball gag as a special Republican gift for being their bitch/gimp and "taking impeachment off the table."

Once Hillary is broke and broken, and everything is set for Obama vs. McCain, you're going to hear one man's (chimp's?) name A LOT. George W. Bush. Count on it. In fact, all Senator Obama needs to do is run that picture of McCain warmly snuggling with Dubya, hugging him as only a Republican (gay) man can hug another Republican man (closet case).



Oh yeah, plus McCain is really old. Like SUPER old. He'll probably shit in his Depends during a debate.

IMPEACH!
(it's never too late)

T-to-the-B

Crazy Old White People - for President!

So it looks like we have a really old guy, an old woman, and Barack Obama in contention for President of the United States. We know Oldy Olderson's had plenty of "senior moments" along the campaign trail, like when he pooped in his pants on the Straight Talk Express. But now it seems as if Hillary Clinton is showing her age, too. Methinks an age limit needs to be applied to running this country. Or at least an IQ test for crying out loud. That would've saved us from the historic Presidency of the first retarded President, Georgie Bush Junior. But anyway, on to the golden oldies.

Hillary remembers...

"I remember traveling to Istanbul with the Emperor of the Universe and Gilbert Gottfried. We parachuted in, and immediately took hovercrafts to the rendezvous point, the Prime Minister's wife's kitchen, where I was to help her pick out a new backsplash, er, I mean, plan a long term strategy for peace in the Middle East. A polar bear nearly took Chelsea's left leg off as she was teaching young Sudanese children how to breakdance. They were visiting as part of an international coalition I started called Cankles that Care. This organization of water-retaining women in government, co-chaired by Nancy Pelosi and Camilla Parker-Bowles brings attention to starving cats in Indonesia through radio jingles written by volunteer mental health patients suffering from Ronnie's Dementia. Of course this condition, famously suffered by former President (and former human being) Ronald Reagan, effects not only the continence of an individual, but the olfactory sense as well. So when these unfortunates crap themselves, they sadly have no idea how bad they smell. They can only tell, in fact, from the squishing. Oh, and I killed a dragon once, too. Obama sucks! It's my turn! It's MY turn!"

John McCain remembers...

John? Mr. McCain? Senator? Hello?!?

Apparently the Senator fell asleep while unwrapping some hard candy. He must be tired from yelling at those rotten kids to get off his lawn!

Peace.

T-to-the-B

To the Baby Boomers...

I'm getting tired of you Boomers, quite frankly. Not as individuals, but as a group. You've had the last two Presidents and look where that's taken us. Sure, Bubba Clinton did some good things, but he also did a lot of bad things, and I'm not talking about Monica Lewinsky, either. Helping mega-corporations like Wal-Mart make obscene amounts of money through deregulation (Hillary used to work for them remember), the mess in Somalia, and the bombing of an aspirin plant in Iraq? Remember that stuff? He wasn't perfect. And he's certainly showed his true colors during his wife's campaign, dismissing Barack Obama by comparing him to Jesse Jackson, and saying Obama was a "false hope." Hmmm, that doesn't sound like the first black President to me, Toni Morrison.

And of course, because Bubba was so roundly hated by the right wing, they managed to get a MONKEY to beat Al Gore, one of the most intelligent men to ever run for President. Of course, like a true Baby Boomer, Dubya did whatever was necessary to get what he wanted, which included stealing the election. Your generation has produced the WORST president in the history of the United States. Period. No debate. Not my generation, YOURS. Bush's arrogance and ignorance have been a deadly combination. After Dubya, do you seriously think the rest of us are going to trust your generation again with the Presidency? No way. It's Obama or McCain, one generation after yours, one generation before yours. You had your turn and screwed it up. Now it's time to stop whining and bellyaching about how it's not fair that Hillary's not as popular as Obama. Get out and vote for Barack and end this madness. We can't afford a McCain presidency. The old coot is nutty as a loon! We'll be bombing Bulgaria! Jamaica! The Netherlands! And without joking, Iran for sure. Do we really want another old white guy? Been there, done that.

And before you come back at me, remember, Barack Obama is 46, not quite my generation. Close, though. I'm the tail end of Gen X. After Obama, the President will more than likely be a Gen-Xer.

Scary...

But not as scary as the 2 Boomers we've had to put up with the last 16 years.

Peace.

T-to-the-B

Baby Boomer Women: Shut the ____ Up! (not you, Mom!) :)

Wrong Time to Take a Stand, Ladies

Tuesday night (more like Wednesday morning) produced many happy, delirious people in this country. The primary election results in Ohio, Texas, and Rhode Island gave a certain group in this country a warm feeling they haven't felt since Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs (people 30 and younger: this was when tennis was played with wooden rackets).

Who were these people?

Old white women.

Now I don't mean old, like old-ass women. I'm not talking about the Golden Girls here. No, not the "Greatest Generation."

Who are they?

OUR MOMS!!!!!

They've waited for one of their own to get here, and there's no stopping them now! Forget about democracy, these are Baby Boomer women and their time is NOW, dammit! These are the original soccer moms, the first mini-van mothers, the ones who started Parenting magazines and all this "children are the future" BS. These women all saw the ERA die like a goldfish on a living room carpet. These women have seen their children grow up, go to college, get married, and have children of their own. They are empty nesters. They've been cheated on. They've been divorced. They've been passionate about issues like abortion rights, equal pay, and health care. They've felt themselves smashed up against the glass ceiling like hooligans in a soccer riot against a barricade. All of this throughout their entire lives, and they believe their one true hope is Hillary. Hillary? Clinton? You bet. Call her a bitch, and these women embrace it. I bet there are "I'm a bitch! And I'm voting for Hillary!" buttons floating around.

The fact that Senator Clinton has made a bit of a comeback only pours fuel on the fire. A fire that no doubt smells like Jean Nate.

And for everything these women have been through (I know of one in particular who had the lucky task of raising ME), they certainly deserve to have one of their own be the President. But now? And with her?

How about taking a step back and looking rationally at the situation? This may be difficult for moms to do, as these are the people who read obituaries instead of comics. Hell, they still read the newspaper! In paper form! (how quaint) But logically, they must admit that Sen. Clinton and Sen. Obama have virtually identical policies. They are basically the same on almost every single issue. Sure, they have a few minor differences, but for the most part, either one of them would in theory, make a decent Democratic President, witholding any contempt for the Clintons.

But the one fact that Hillary supporters cannot grasp is that Republicans HATE this woman! Unfairly, sure. The vast majority of Hillary-haters are white guys with tiny dicks who are scared of impressive women. Your Larry Craigs and Rush Limbaughs are TERRIFIED of women like Hillary Clinton. They must remind them of the girls in high school who laughed at them. It's probably what turned most of these neocons gay. Remember how Karl Rove reacted to Sheryl Crow? She touched his arm and he yelled "don't touch me!" He said this to SHERYL CROW. Yes, her. This woman! When a woman like that touches a man's arm, "don't touch me" is the LAST thing you say. Um, if you're STRAIGHT, anyway. Enough about these closet cases.

The point is, these "men" hate Hillary so much that they influence other dumb people to hate her, too, and these "people" will vote against her. In droves. These same morons will, however, vote for Barack Obama. He's only half black. And he's certainly not "threatening," or "ethnic." It's not like Flavor Flav is going to be Secretary of State if it's President Obama. And we actually have Georgie Bush to thank for Senator Obama's acceptance by morons in this country.

Stay with me.

Dubya is loved by idiots. We know this. They comprise the 20% of douchebags who continue to stand by their man in the face of, well, reality. Now, this monkey of a man, Bush, has had two African-Americans as his Secretary of State: Colin Powell and Condoleeza "I have a freakin' oil tanker named after me" Rice. See, Dubya made it OK for neocons to have colored people in positions of power. They feel better about black people now. Plus Bill Cosby, of course.

OK, it's a stretch, but seriously, people are motivated by Sen. Obama. He's enthralling. Will.I.Am made TWO videos for him! (dude, the first one was dope, but the second one was just aiight for me) -guest commentary by Randy Jackson.

It's time for a black President. It's time for REAL change, not the poltical rhetoric of "change" in quotation marks. After all these years under the regime of a man and a party who STOLE the election TWICE, it's time to restore the office with some motherfuckin' dignity!

America is ready for a Chocolate City!

We just need to convince our moms!

You'd think they'd calm down after menopause...

Peace!

T-to-the-B

Are you?

Voting, that is.

Barack or Hillary, John, Mitt, Ron, or Mike? Interesting choices to make.

While I'm leaning towards Senator Obama, I can't help but agreeing with Ron Paul.

I am your Independent undecided voter, and here it is election day. I have about 30 minutes or so before I go register for jury duty, er, vote, and I'm torn. Not very enthusiastic about anyone.

At least a Bush isn't running!

Peace.

T-to-the-B

It's never too late to tell someone they suck.

Getting a BJ from an intern – impeachable offense. Lying to get the country into a war – no problem. What in the hell is wrong with us? Seriously. How have we let George Bush and Dick Cheney slide? Bush is a simpleton who was propped up as a candidate in 2000 for his last name only. And Cheney is pure evil. He is Satan, Lucifer, El Diablo, and Regis Philbin all rolled into one. But we’ve (well, not all of us!) let it go, tolerated these evil men, and let them wipe their old white asses on our Constitution. Here’s an interesting article about throwing these bums out sent to me by my Uncle Harold (who must still be floating in the air after watching his beloved Giants do what the Bears, sadly, could not last year).

http://www.wexlerforcongress.com/news.asp?ItemID=227

Impeachment should have been the VERY FIRST item on Speaker Pelosi's agenda. But she refuses to stand up to this criminal administration. Her rationale? It would take up too much time, and Congress would be distracted from the business of the day. Really. The Democrats were sent to Washington to get us out of Iraq, or to at the very least, stand up to Dubya and Cheney. They've bent over backwards like the spineless jellyfish they are. Why are Democrats so damn afraid of Republicans? I mean, these neo-cons are a bunch of closet case old white guys that go to church all the time. Wussies. This country needs someone to tell these bastards to go to hell. Is that Sen. Obama? Maybe. I know he's not afraid of them, but perhaps he's too nice to them. Hillary? She'd sure kick their asses, but only the ones who helped impeach Bubba. Plus, she won't get elected anyway.

The answer is clear, but unfortunately he's not available.

Al Gore would clean house and send these criminals to jail and out of Washington for good.

But he learned his lesson back in 2000, and he's never coming back. Too bad.

Makes me think there's a parallel universe somewhere in which Gore did win in 2000. Think of how much better life would be...

9/11 would have been anticipated, and while there's no denying that the people aboard those planes would have still died, I bet a President Gore would have read those breifings, held regular meetings between the FBI and CIA, and I bet would have been prepared to shoot those planes down before they hit the buildings. Why do I think that? Because Gore was already doing that in the Clinton administration!

Even if we had to suffer the atrocities of 9/11, a President Gore would have unleashed everything America has on Afghanistan, and you better believe he would have found Bin Laden.

There's no way he would have invaded Iraq. Never. Not in a million years.

He would have been on top of the scientific evidence days before Katrina, and would have declared New Orleans a danger zone, and ordered an evacuation of the city. He also would HAVE BEEN THERE right away. And the national guard would not have been in Iraq, so they would have been better prepared to handle the crisis. Above all, President Gore would have shown that he truly cared about ALL of the citizens of the Gulf Coast, not just the rich white ones like Bush.

Kanye West would have never said "Gore does not like black people."

The levees would have been rebuilt, and those responsible for their failure would have been held accountable.

We would never have had to look at the ugly, evil faces of Dubya, DICK Cheney, Condi Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, and the rest of those criminal, immoral, IDIOTS.

But the reality is that never happened. All we can do is to make sure we get out of Iraq, and that we have a President who is in touch with us, and our concerns.

Right now, that sure seems like Barack Obama, doesn't it?

T-to-the-B

Great Game!

It's over, and I picked the winner! OK, I was off by 3 touchdowns for each team, but I did predict the Giants by a field goal.

Too bad I didn't place any bets - we need some furniture!

Now we'll see if I have any luck predicting the Presidential race...

T-to-the-B

Super Bowl 42

OK, here's my prediction: Giants 38, Patriots 35.

If I'm wrong, the Pats are the first ever perfect team.

If I'm right, I RULE.

Peace,

T-to-the-B

MasterDebaters

Will Puns Make a Comeback in 2008?

This past week we got to see both parties have yet another debate, but this time they seemed to actually matter. The Democrats decided to make history by narrowing their field to two historic candidates: an African-American man and a water buffalo. The Republicans have four candidates left, but only two are taken seriously by everyone, and really, if you have above a second grade education, none of them are taken seriously.

So six of 'em left! Last time I looked at each of what I called "The Final Four," leaving out the two ancillary Republicans: Ron Paul & Mike Huckabee. While Huckabee whined that nobody was asking him any questions (dude, take a hint), Paul sounded like a crazy man, what with his intelligent and reasoned remarks based on Constitutional law. He's the sane guy in the nuthouse which the GOP has become. Well, some of us think they've always been nuts, but holy shit, the douchebags that ran for the Republican nomination this year have had their collective heads up their collective asses, and what's worse, they enjoy the stench.

I watched McCain & Romney chuckle and smile every time Ron Paul was speaking and making perfect sense. Like when Paul correctly pointed out that the President has limited powers according to the Constitution. Or when he correctly asserted that we should have never invaded Iraq, but more importantly, it was unconstitutional because Bush went to war without a Congressional declaration of war. Those yahoos sitting next to him were slightly shaking their heads and grinning, as if watching a naïve Freshman talk about having a beer in their dorm room. These Republicans are living in bizarro world. They have to be. Romney-bot.2008 was getting his picture taken with a group of black teenagers, on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, no less, and he stood there with them and actually said, “Who let the dogs out? Woof. Woof.”

Talk about a Cracker. It’s white people like that who embarrass me. How out of touch could someone be? John “Oldie Olderson” McCain thinks it’s perfectly OK for us to be in Iraq for 100 years or more. Fucking Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks abortions are why we have so many illegal immigrants! This collection of drooling, in-their-own-world psychos have one other thing in common: they LOVE Ronald Reagan!

When I was a kid, I remember how all the other kids thought Reagan was the greatest President. Well, their parents were voting for him, anyway. My parents hated Reagan. So naturally, I grew up in an intelligent home. It’s simple logic. Seriously, everytime I think of Ronald Reagan, all that comes to mind is a doddering old fool who said stupid shit that rich people thought was funny. “There you go again.” I suppose that passed for wit in 1980.

But these modern-day neocon assholes were sitting there, in the Reagan library, in front of Air Force One (funny how all you saw in a library was a plane), jumping all over each other for who truly loved Ronald the best. For a group of guys that hate gay people, they were all ready to exhume Reagan’s body and lick the dusty remains of the former President’s balls just to prove their love. But the reality is Reagan was a bad President. He sharply divided this country, and started it on a path to red state vs. blue state. Does that mean we’re purple? Nope, just in Minneapolis. Oh, and crack was invented while Reagan was President. Coincidence?

Anyway, to put it cleverly, Reagan blew goats. His Depends-wearin’ ass didn’t know where he was, who he was, or what he was supposed to be doing, and he was the President of the United States of America! Then years later, we got Dubya. So is it really that historic to have a black President? Or a woman President? We’ve had a senile President before. And we have a retarded one now. Personally, I’m looking forward to having someone able to pronounce “nuclear.”

Peace,

T-to-the-B

The Final Four! Like college hoops without the office pools.

We're Down to Four Egomaniacs Now

So much for freedom of choice, huh? After yesterday's primary in Florida, America's wang, 9/11 nut Rudy Giuliani is set to drop out, and today John Edwards decided to call it quits after over a year of campaigning. So the field is set, and heading into next week's "Super Tuesday," the races are set.

The "Fantastic" (said with rolling eyes) Four

Barack Obama

He's the man, which is ironic. Comparisons to JFK, MLK, and RFK must seriously piss off Bill Clinton. You gotta like this guy, plus, he's our Senator! South Side!

Hillary Clinton

Handsome woman, eh? I kid. But this pic makes a none-too-subtle point: a vote for Hill is a vote for Bill. I always liked President Clinton, and was well aware of the shit he was slinging. Slick Willie may have done whatever he needed to do to get elected, but at least once he was there, he was generally on the morally correct side of issues. Toni Morrison called him the first black President. For a pasty white dude, that's a hell of a complement. I'm sure when he first heard that, Bill was like "cool." Interesting: notice that Hillary's entry here has been all about her husband, not her. Look, I'm a progressive person. I've worked for women (well, hens, anyway) before and it's OK. But I tell you this, Democrats - don't nominate Mrs. Clinton. She WILL lose in November. Dumbass white guys (think NASCAR, Dittoheads, and avid Fox News viewers) will vote for a black guy they think is qualified, but NEVER for a skirt. Won't happen. Not in America. And anyone who thinks otherwise is naive. Sorry. But the next two lunks would beat Hillary like their team just lost the Super Bowl.

John McCain

Oldie Olderson. 'Nuff said.

And finally,

Mitt Romney

Yeah, yeah, I stole this gag from Stephen Colbert, but seriously, the Romney-bot 2008 is a dead ringer for ol' Guy Smiley, isn't he? I'd like to say that there's no way this Neanderfuck shit-for-brains could ever get elected, but after 2 terms of Dubya, is there really anyone who couldn't be elected? Ralph Nader. Don't count Mittens out. This conservative was the Governor of Massachusetts! That most hated state of Republicans, where John Kerrey and Teddy Kennedy live! So if he can pull that shit off, I'm thinking he's got a shot at beating McCain. I mean, the guy has presidential hair. In fact, based on hair, he's the front runner.

So, what does it all mean? Fodder for the Lazy Revolution, amigos! Lots of ranting to come...

Send in your comments about who you like, who you can't stand, and which candidate(s) make you feel like you have to poop (it was Giuliani for me - I'd hear him say '9/11, 9/11, 9/11' and I'd get that diarrhea feeling, you know?).

Peace, and is it too late to impeach Dubya?

T-to-the-B