Next week on "American Idol"
American Idol comes to a close next week.
Dreams of next week…
The finale. Where the shrieking scream machine known as the Glambert 3000 will no doubt emit so shrill and so high a noise at the end of the new official Idol cheese worshipping sap ballad that he will break the lenses out of Randy Jackson’s glasses, causing the former Journey bassist to proclaim, “yo dawg, I can’t see due to the tiny shards of razor-sharp glass which have severely lacerated my eyeballs, but that was off the hook, dawg! I don’t need to see you to know you’re the winner, yo!” Then Kara will pant and drool like a St. Bernard while hailing Adam the new Messiah and talking about how hip and edgy Celine Dion is. Paula will collapse in an Oxy Cotin-induced coma after mumbling something about reaching goals higher than soccer and hockey, and Lord Simon’s head will explode due to the tremendous pressure of his ever-so-tight t-shirt, causing Ryan Seacrest to wail mournfully about love not spoken for so very long.
The show is canceled for the good of the nation by President Obama, which turns out to be the finest decision he has made so far. The war in Iraq and Afghanistan ends, as the Taliban and Al Queda realize it was Idol that was making them so mad. The economy springs back to life, as people realize there is a reason to work hard, now that no-talent hacks like Danny Gokey can’t be made into celebrities anymore just by singing badly on a game show and wearing glasses. And there is universal health care for everyone, which has nothing to do with Idol going away, but won’t that be nice?
Adam Lambert is immediately cast in the lead role for the revival of the revival of the revival of Rent.
Dreams of next week…
The finale. Where the shrieking scream machine known as the Glambert 3000 will no doubt emit so shrill and so high a noise at the end of the new official Idol cheese worshipping sap ballad that he will break the lenses out of Randy Jackson’s glasses, causing the former Journey bassist to proclaim, “yo dawg, I can’t see due to the tiny shards of razor-sharp glass which have severely lacerated my eyeballs, but that was off the hook, dawg! I don’t need to see you to know you’re the winner, yo!” Then Kara will pant and drool like a St. Bernard while hailing Adam the new Messiah and talking about how hip and edgy Celine Dion is. Paula will collapse in an Oxy Cotin-induced coma after mumbling something about reaching goals higher than soccer and hockey, and Lord Simon’s head will explode due to the tremendous pressure of his ever-so-tight t-shirt, causing Ryan Seacrest to wail mournfully about love not spoken for so very long.
The show is canceled for the good of the nation by President Obama, which turns out to be the finest decision he has made so far. The war in Iraq and Afghanistan ends, as the Taliban and Al Queda realize it was Idol that was making them so mad. The economy springs back to life, as people realize there is a reason to work hard, now that no-talent hacks like Danny Gokey can’t be made into celebrities anymore just by singing badly on a game show and wearing glasses. And there is universal health care for everyone, which has nothing to do with Idol going away, but won’t that be nice?
Adam Lambert is immediately cast in the lead role for the revival of the revival of the revival of Rent.
Allison is sued by Pink, then countersues, then the two have a catfight on a red carpet, then fall in love.
Danny Gokey opens a used-car dealership in Milwaukee, where he sings about great deals on Chryslers.
Lil Rounds goes to Hollywood and makes action movies with Jennifer Lopez. The two team up for a popular film about women detectives solving crimes, fighting the man, and raising children. Oh, and they have enormous butts. (send your title for this movie to LazyRevolution@gmail.com - the winner gets a free t-shirt!)
Kris Allen goes on tour opening for Jason Mraz, and his album sells extremely well in the my wife and my sister-in-law demographic.
And this Fall, Megan Joy is given the 10pm time slot at FOX to compete with Jay Leno every night. And the crazy gorgeous wackaloon destroys “the chin” in the ratings, caw-caw-cawing her way to becoming the most successful Idol-alum ever!
Peace,
T-to-the-B
