This has to be the WORST movie I’ve seen in years. Besides having the most convoluted plot I’ve ever experienced, the characters were just complete assholes, lame wussies, or so forgettable that I can’t believe this comic book was ever greenlighted for a major motion picture in the first place.The plot skips across decades back and forth like Pulp Fiction on crack. So many flashbacks, flashforwards, hell, I think there might have been a few flash-sideways (a reference to the great underrated Chevy Chase film Funny Farm). The filmmaker thinks it's a great idea to introduce each character throughout the movie, showing their back story as it pertains to wherever the current plot is, which, by the way, is the early 80s, even though everyone's dressed as if it were the 40s. So stupid.
OK, let’s review these “superheroes."
For the love of Pete, this was the biggest collection of losers since Mystery Men. But at least that movie acknowledged that the “heroes” were dorks. Plus, it was entertaining. These “Watchmen” are the D-list of superheroes. Plus, they're miserable pricks.
The Comedian? Was he a good guy or a bad guy? I mean, I’m all for ambiguity, but this guy raped another superhero, apparently killed Kennedy, and I’m supposed to feel bad he’s dead? And what a stupid costume. A mask and shoulder pads. Ooooo! And of course, how un-superhero is it to use guns? Unless your name is Frank Castle, guns are for cops and the military, not comic book guys. Hell, once Neo figured out his powers in The Matrix 2: Electric Boogaloo, he stopped using guns.
Owl Man? Seriously? I kept waiting for the punchline. This is a serious character? What’s next, Eagle Man? I’ve got some-thing, for you! Dumbest superhero I’ve ever seen.
Rorschach was the closest to being cool. But the voice-over? Come on. What a cop-out. Don’t tell me the story, show me. Lame. But the worst part, once he’s unmasked, revealing a nightmare of Irishness, why in the hell would he put that filthy head sock back on? And why/how does it change shapes like that? Did his face do that? Also, the voice made Christian Bale’s Batman growl sound like Earth Kitt purring. This dude sounded like Tom Waits gargling broken glass and hot sauce.
And what is the deal with the big blue guy flopping his wang all over the place? Did he need to be naked? Really? Because when he was a giant, he suddenly had a jumbo-sized Speedo on. Any explanation of this? No. Because the only reason he had that when he was 40 feet tall was so he wouldn’t be hanging humongous brain all over the screen. No other reason. Stupid. And could this performance have been more wooden, no pun intended? Hard to believe the same actor played Russell the insecure guitar player / band leader in Almost Famous.
And his girlfriend? Lori? That’s her superhero name? Lori? No mask? Just a shiny outfit? What’s the point? At least Trinity from the aforementioned Matrix movies could beat the shit out of cops and jump off buildings and what not. That’s how you wear latex. This Lori bitch is a walking plot point. Lame again.
And the blonde surfer guy who kicks everyone’s butt and is also the smartest man in the world? He kills millions, but for what? To stop the Cold War? Economics did that in reality. But more importantly, a Red Scare is not exactly a current topic, is it? But if he was so smart, wouldn’t he have been able to predict that communism in the Soviet form, would ultimately crumble due to free market global pressure? Captain Smartypants was an annoying character, to say the least, and is only beaten by guess who? Big naked blue guy. Lame.
And of course, the worst makeup in a major motion picture since Norbit.
For the love of Pete, this was the biggest collection of losers since Mystery Men. But at least that movie acknowledged that the “heroes” were dorks. Plus, it was entertaining. These “Watchmen” are the D-list of superheroes. Plus, they're miserable pricks.
The Comedian? Was he a good guy or a bad guy? I mean, I’m all for ambiguity, but this guy raped another superhero, apparently killed Kennedy, and I’m supposed to feel bad he’s dead? And what a stupid costume. A mask and shoulder pads. Ooooo! And of course, how un-superhero is it to use guns? Unless your name is Frank Castle, guns are for cops and the military, not comic book guys. Hell, once Neo figured out his powers in The Matrix 2: Electric Boogaloo, he stopped using guns.
Owl Man? Seriously? I kept waiting for the punchline. This is a serious character? What’s next, Eagle Man? I’ve got some-thing, for you! Dumbest superhero I’ve ever seen.
Rorschach was the closest to being cool. But the voice-over? Come on. What a cop-out. Don’t tell me the story, show me. Lame. But the worst part, once he’s unmasked, revealing a nightmare of Irishness, why in the hell would he put that filthy head sock back on? And why/how does it change shapes like that? Did his face do that? Also, the voice made Christian Bale’s Batman growl sound like Earth Kitt purring. This dude sounded like Tom Waits gargling broken glass and hot sauce.
And what is the deal with the big blue guy flopping his wang all over the place? Did he need to be naked? Really? Because when he was a giant, he suddenly had a jumbo-sized Speedo on. Any explanation of this? No. Because the only reason he had that when he was 40 feet tall was so he wouldn’t be hanging humongous brain all over the screen. No other reason. Stupid. And could this performance have been more wooden, no pun intended? Hard to believe the same actor played Russell the insecure guitar player / band leader in Almost Famous.
And his girlfriend? Lori? That’s her superhero name? Lori? No mask? Just a shiny outfit? What’s the point? At least Trinity from the aforementioned Matrix movies could beat the shit out of cops and jump off buildings and what not. That’s how you wear latex. This Lori bitch is a walking plot point. Lame again.
And the blonde surfer guy who kicks everyone’s butt and is also the smartest man in the world? He kills millions, but for what? To stop the Cold War? Economics did that in reality. But more importantly, a Red Scare is not exactly a current topic, is it? But if he was so smart, wouldn’t he have been able to predict that communism in the Soviet form, would ultimately crumble due to free market global pressure? Captain Smartypants was an annoying character, to say the least, and is only beaten by guess who? Big naked blue guy. Lame.
And of course, the worst makeup in a major motion picture since Norbit.
This is supposed to be Richard Nixon? 
Wow. It would have been more believable if Morgan Freeman wore a plastic Halloween mask. Terrible, terrible, terrible.
Not to mention the fact that this “action” movie put me to sleep about 7 times.
I know, I know, I don’t know all the back stories, I’m not familiar with the wonderful comic book, blah, blah, blah. I’d never read the 300 comic, and that movie was enjoyable. Not exactly Fellini, but it was fun to watch. Again, ambiguity is fine, only Superman is a clean cut boy scout. But a good rule of thumb is to make sure your protagonists don’t rape each other, and don’t look ridiculous (football pads, birds, Irish, naked, weatherman).
Not to mention the fact that this “action” movie put me to sleep about 7 times.
I know, I know, I don’t know all the back stories, I’m not familiar with the wonderful comic book, blah, blah, blah. I’d never read the 300 comic, and that movie was enjoyable. Not exactly Fellini, but it was fun to watch. Again, ambiguity is fine, only Superman is a clean cut boy scout. But a good rule of thumb is to make sure your protagonists don’t rape each other, and don’t look ridiculous (football pads, birds, Irish, naked, weatherman).
The DUMBEST movie I’ve ever seen. And that includes all the Jackass movies, Howard the Duck, and The Last Dragon.
A much more positive review is in the works, I promise. Quentin's gratifying WWII story Inglorious Basterds is a movie that made me smile many, many times.
Next! Stay tuned to the L-Rev!
T-to-the-B
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