Crazy Old White People - for President!

So it looks like we have a really old guy, an old woman, and Barack Obama in contention for President of the United States. We know Oldy Olderson's had plenty of "senior moments" along the campaign trail, like when he pooped in his pants on the Straight Talk Express. But now it seems as if Hillary Clinton is showing her age, too. Methinks an age limit needs to be applied to running this country. Or at least an IQ test for crying out loud. That would've saved us from the historic Presidency of the first retarded President, Georgie Bush Junior. But anyway, on to the golden oldies.

Hillary remembers...

"I remember traveling to Istanbul with the Emperor of the Universe and Gilbert Gottfried. We parachuted in, and immediately took hovercrafts to the rendezvous point, the Prime Minister's wife's kitchen, where I was to help her pick out a new backsplash, er, I mean, plan a long term strategy for peace in the Middle East. A polar bear nearly took Chelsea's left leg off as she was teaching young Sudanese children how to breakdance. They were visiting as part of an international coalition I started called Cankles that Care. This organization of water-retaining women in government, co-chaired by Nancy Pelosi and Camilla Parker-Bowles brings attention to starving cats in Indonesia through radio jingles written by volunteer mental health patients suffering from Ronnie's Dementia. Of course this condition, famously suffered by former President (and former human being) Ronald Reagan, effects not only the continence of an individual, but the olfactory sense as well. So when these unfortunates crap themselves, they sadly have no idea how bad they smell. They can only tell, in fact, from the squishing. Oh, and I killed a dragon once, too. Obama sucks! It's my turn! It's MY turn!"

John McCain remembers...

John? Mr. McCain? Senator? Hello?!?

Apparently the Senator fell asleep while unwrapping some hard candy. He must be tired from yelling at those rotten kids to get off his lawn!

Peace.

T-to-the-B

To the Baby Boomers...

I'm getting tired of you Boomers, quite frankly. Not as individuals, but as a group. You've had the last two Presidents and look where that's taken us. Sure, Bubba Clinton did some good things, but he also did a lot of bad things, and I'm not talking about Monica Lewinsky, either. Helping mega-corporations like Wal-Mart make obscene amounts of money through deregulation (Hillary used to work for them remember), the mess in Somalia, and the bombing of an aspirin plant in Iraq? Remember that stuff? He wasn't perfect. And he's certainly showed his true colors during his wife's campaign, dismissing Barack Obama by comparing him to Jesse Jackson, and saying Obama was a "false hope." Hmmm, that doesn't sound like the first black President to me, Toni Morrison.

And of course, because Bubba was so roundly hated by the right wing, they managed to get a MONKEY to beat Al Gore, one of the most intelligent men to ever run for President. Of course, like a true Baby Boomer, Dubya did whatever was necessary to get what he wanted, which included stealing the election. Your generation has produced the WORST president in the history of the United States. Period. No debate. Not my generation, YOURS. Bush's arrogance and ignorance have been a deadly combination. After Dubya, do you seriously think the rest of us are going to trust your generation again with the Presidency? No way. It's Obama or McCain, one generation after yours, one generation before yours. You had your turn and screwed it up. Now it's time to stop whining and bellyaching about how it's not fair that Hillary's not as popular as Obama. Get out and vote for Barack and end this madness. We can't afford a McCain presidency. The old coot is nutty as a loon! We'll be bombing Bulgaria! Jamaica! The Netherlands! And without joking, Iran for sure. Do we really want another old white guy? Been there, done that.

And before you come back at me, remember, Barack Obama is 46, not quite my generation. Close, though. I'm the tail end of Gen X. After Obama, the President will more than likely be a Gen-Xer.

Scary...

But not as scary as the 2 Boomers we've had to put up with the last 16 years.

Peace.

T-to-the-B

Baby Boomer Women: Shut the ____ Up! (not you, Mom!) :)

Wrong Time to Take a Stand, Ladies

Tuesday night (more like Wednesday morning) produced many happy, delirious people in this country. The primary election results in Ohio, Texas, and Rhode Island gave a certain group in this country a warm feeling they haven't felt since Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs (people 30 and younger: this was when tennis was played with wooden rackets).

Who were these people?

Old white women.

Now I don't mean old, like old-ass women. I'm not talking about the Golden Girls here. No, not the "Greatest Generation."

Who are they?

OUR MOMS!!!!!

They've waited for one of their own to get here, and there's no stopping them now! Forget about democracy, these are Baby Boomer women and their time is NOW, dammit! These are the original soccer moms, the first mini-van mothers, the ones who started Parenting magazines and all this "children are the future" BS. These women all saw the ERA die like a goldfish on a living room carpet. These women have seen their children grow up, go to college, get married, and have children of their own. They are empty nesters. They've been cheated on. They've been divorced. They've been passionate about issues like abortion rights, equal pay, and health care. They've felt themselves smashed up against the glass ceiling like hooligans in a soccer riot against a barricade. All of this throughout their entire lives, and they believe their one true hope is Hillary. Hillary? Clinton? You bet. Call her a bitch, and these women embrace it. I bet there are "I'm a bitch! And I'm voting for Hillary!" buttons floating around.

The fact that Senator Clinton has made a bit of a comeback only pours fuel on the fire. A fire that no doubt smells like Jean Nate.

And for everything these women have been through (I know of one in particular who had the lucky task of raising ME), they certainly deserve to have one of their own be the President. But now? And with her?

How about taking a step back and looking rationally at the situation? This may be difficult for moms to do, as these are the people who read obituaries instead of comics. Hell, they still read the newspaper! In paper form! (how quaint) But logically, they must admit that Sen. Clinton and Sen. Obama have virtually identical policies. They are basically the same on almost every single issue. Sure, they have a few minor differences, but for the most part, either one of them would in theory, make a decent Democratic President, witholding any contempt for the Clintons.

But the one fact that Hillary supporters cannot grasp is that Republicans HATE this woman! Unfairly, sure. The vast majority of Hillary-haters are white guys with tiny dicks who are scared of impressive women. Your Larry Craigs and Rush Limbaughs are TERRIFIED of women like Hillary Clinton. They must remind them of the girls in high school who laughed at them. It's probably what turned most of these neocons gay. Remember how Karl Rove reacted to Sheryl Crow? She touched his arm and he yelled "don't touch me!" He said this to SHERYL CROW. Yes, her. This woman! When a woman like that touches a man's arm, "don't touch me" is the LAST thing you say. Um, if you're STRAIGHT, anyway. Enough about these closet cases.

The point is, these "men" hate Hillary so much that they influence other dumb people to hate her, too, and these "people" will vote against her. In droves. These same morons will, however, vote for Barack Obama. He's only half black. And he's certainly not "threatening," or "ethnic." It's not like Flavor Flav is going to be Secretary of State if it's President Obama. And we actually have Georgie Bush to thank for Senator Obama's acceptance by morons in this country.

Stay with me.

Dubya is loved by idiots. We know this. They comprise the 20% of douchebags who continue to stand by their man in the face of, well, reality. Now, this monkey of a man, Bush, has had two African-Americans as his Secretary of State: Colin Powell and Condoleeza "I have a freakin' oil tanker named after me" Rice. See, Dubya made it OK for neocons to have colored people in positions of power. They feel better about black people now. Plus Bill Cosby, of course.

OK, it's a stretch, but seriously, people are motivated by Sen. Obama. He's enthralling. Will.I.Am made TWO videos for him! (dude, the first one was dope, but the second one was just aiight for me) -guest commentary by Randy Jackson.

It's time for a black President. It's time for REAL change, not the poltical rhetoric of "change" in quotation marks. After all these years under the regime of a man and a party who STOLE the election TWICE, it's time to restore the office with some motherfuckin' dignity!

America is ready for a Chocolate City!

We just need to convince our moms!

You'd think they'd calm down after menopause...

Peace!

T-to-the-B