Steve Panella - a rare mind

Steve was a good friend. Sadly, we had not spoken in years. Not for any particularly good reason, either, which makes me feel stupid. Steve and I were thick as thieves, hanging out, cracking each other up, drinking, smoking cigarettes, and having fantastic conversations, many late into the night at cafes, bars, Denny's. We'd talk about the lives we wanted to lead, and where we thought we might go in our futures. Over a few hundred cups of coffee, we argued, agreed, teased, and intrigued one another the way good friends do. As I said, we stopped hanging out, and I feel I missed precious time with a wonderful person.


I don't know why he took his own life. I'm not sure anyone does.


http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/beaconnews/news/1308155,aurora-multiple-stabbing-suicide-au120108.article


I know he lived life on a deeper level than most people, and it's why he was such a fascinating force. Steve was, to me, the coolest guy in the room no matter where he was. Being his friend, and earning his approval were badges of honor for me. His was a quick wit, and I learned many a put-down from his sharp tongue. He was a kind person, and extremely intelligent. He always seemed so above the petty bullshit. In high school, he never cared about what this person or that person thought. He didn't belong to any clique or group that I was aware of. He had many, many friends, as he was the kind of guy you just wanted to be around.


God damn. Why?


Steve was always on a different plane. He had a twisted take on everything that fascinated me. I miss him. I feel really stupid for not staying in touch the past few years. I don't know why he did what he did, but I deeply regret not having him in my life lately. It makes me think about old friends and how it's so important to keep in touch. Even if it's just a beer or a cup of coffee after work on a random night, it really is important. Steve's death has shaken me. Of everyone I've known, I would not have thought that it he would have left us like this. But the point is, he's gone. And one by one, we'll all be gone. So while we're here, we need to enjoy each other.

Steve was a talented artist; he was constantly drawing, sketching, and doodling. Over those hundreds of cups of coffee, he'd alternate his pen with his hand-rolled American Spirit cigarette, casually drawing all manner of things in a big blank notebook. Leafing through it from time to time, I could trace many of our winding conversations. Looking at his recent work, I see a maturity and grace lacking in much contemporary work I've seen. I'm no expert, but Steve's stuff is good.


Visit his blogs: http://3dpoetry.blogspot.com/ and http://stevepanella.blogspot.com/.


The first blog shows a lot of his wonderful art. I'd love for his work to be shown. Maybe a benefit gallery showing could be arranged? His family has asked that "in lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Hesed House, 659 S. River St., Aurora, IL 60506, where Stephen volunteered." Here is the mural Steve painted there. Proceeds from a showing of Steve's work could be donated to Hesed House.


The second blog has recent poems from Steve, and a very interesting story, told in verse. I found it to be quite good, and look forward to reading it to my own children some day.

Again, why? So talented, so smart. Maybe Steve thought it was time to become the energy he portrayed in his art. Maybe it was time, in his mind, to leave the body and become the spirit.



Much of the ironic detachment and skewed view of the world I have I owe to Steve Panella. His was a rare mind, and one I am glad I knew. I just wish I knew him better now I won't be able to have a late night cup of coffee with him again.



One of the pieces of art Steve posted recently: a self portrait.





And even though we had not spoken for a long time, the pain I've felt in my stomach all day tells me how much I'll miss my old friend.


Peace.

TB