MasterDebaters

Will Puns Make a Comeback in 2008?

This past week we got to see both parties have yet another debate, but this time they seemed to actually matter. The Democrats decided to make history by narrowing their field to two historic candidates: an African-American man and a water buffalo. The Republicans have four candidates left, but only two are taken seriously by everyone, and really, if you have above a second grade education, none of them are taken seriously.

So six of 'em left! Last time I looked at each of what I called "The Final Four," leaving out the two ancillary Republicans: Ron Paul & Mike Huckabee. While Huckabee whined that nobody was asking him any questions (dude, take a hint), Paul sounded like a crazy man, what with his intelligent and reasoned remarks based on Constitutional law. He's the sane guy in the nuthouse which the GOP has become. Well, some of us think they've always been nuts, but holy shit, the douchebags that ran for the Republican nomination this year have had their collective heads up their collective asses, and what's worse, they enjoy the stench.

I watched McCain & Romney chuckle and smile every time Ron Paul was speaking and making perfect sense. Like when Paul correctly pointed out that the President has limited powers according to the Constitution. Or when he correctly asserted that we should have never invaded Iraq, but more importantly, it was unconstitutional because Bush went to war without a Congressional declaration of war. Those yahoos sitting next to him were slightly shaking their heads and grinning, as if watching a naïve Freshman talk about having a beer in their dorm room. These Republicans are living in bizarro world. They have to be. Romney-bot.2008 was getting his picture taken with a group of black teenagers, on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, no less, and he stood there with them and actually said, “Who let the dogs out? Woof. Woof.”

Talk about a Cracker. It’s white people like that who embarrass me. How out of touch could someone be? John “Oldie Olderson” McCain thinks it’s perfectly OK for us to be in Iraq for 100 years or more. Fucking Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks abortions are why we have so many illegal immigrants! This collection of drooling, in-their-own-world psychos have one other thing in common: they LOVE Ronald Reagan!

When I was a kid, I remember how all the other kids thought Reagan was the greatest President. Well, their parents were voting for him, anyway. My parents hated Reagan. So naturally, I grew up in an intelligent home. It’s simple logic. Seriously, everytime I think of Ronald Reagan, all that comes to mind is a doddering old fool who said stupid shit that rich people thought was funny. “There you go again.” I suppose that passed for wit in 1980.

But these modern-day neocon assholes were sitting there, in the Reagan library, in front of Air Force One (funny how all you saw in a library was a plane), jumping all over each other for who truly loved Ronald the best. For a group of guys that hate gay people, they were all ready to exhume Reagan’s body and lick the dusty remains of the former President’s balls just to prove their love. But the reality is Reagan was a bad President. He sharply divided this country, and started it on a path to red state vs. blue state. Does that mean we’re purple? Nope, just in Minneapolis. Oh, and crack was invented while Reagan was President. Coincidence?

Anyway, to put it cleverly, Reagan blew goats. His Depends-wearin’ ass didn’t know where he was, who he was, or what he was supposed to be doing, and he was the President of the United States of America! Then years later, we got Dubya. So is it really that historic to have a black President? Or a woman President? We’ve had a senile President before. And we have a retarded one now. Personally, I’m looking forward to having someone able to pronounce “nuclear.”

Peace,

T-to-the-B