Lazy Revolution: Festivus, a time to air your grievances

(feel free to print & cut out The Human Fund certificate, just don't freaking send it to me as a gift, you cheap bastid)

Friends,

For the past few years, Kristin and I have happily celebrated Frank Costanza's twisted holiday Festivus, but not this year.

We say farewell to the aluminum pole, with its high strength-to-weight ratio. No decorations ever adorned it, as tinsel is of course, distracting.

Nevermore shall we imbibe many cocktails, then wrestle until the host is pinned. (Kristin won every year, very late at night.)

But in the spirit of Festivus, let us all air our grievances for 2007 here, on Lazy Revolution. Send an email to LazyRevolution@gmail.com, or to twb4@yahoo.com, or simply post a comment with your '07 grievances. I will publish them all for the world to see. And if you believe the world is looking at my sad little blog, call me tonight, I have some properties you'll want to invest in.

My Grievances for 2007!

1) You people that came to last year's party and abstained from airing your grievances. Yes, you are the main reason this celebration of sarcasm and bitterness has been cancelled this year. "Oh, I don't want to talk in front of everyone." Come on! It's not like it was open mic night, although Tom Barton thought it was. Festivus was a goof, and to not participate made it lame. Yes, your lameness was contagious. Conversely, huzzah to all who did participate, especially those who did every year! I hope to read yours from this year soon.

2)Democrats. Yes, Democrats. These so-called Liberals are nothing more than Republicans without sexual identity confusion. I mean, really, what was last year's election all about? Giving George Bush the finger? Hell, I do that every time I see that chimp smirk while talking about war. It's almost over, sure, but didn't the Republicans impeach Clinton at about this point in his Presidency? And for a blow job, not an illegal war, wiretapping, torture, revealing the identity of an undercover CIA agent (that shit is treason, punishable by death), and who knows what else? This is easily the worst President / Vice-President ever, and yet the opposition party sits back and does NOTHING. Why would anyone be afraid of a Republican? Because they're rich? That just means they have more to lose. I'm more afraid of someone with no money. When you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. Unless you just kind of slide one way for a bit, then back to where you were. When I was strung out on Redi-Whip cans, all I cared about was what was for dessert. I had nothing to lose. Now that I'm a multi-thousandaire, I have stuff. And I don't want to lose said stuff. Which makes me so nervous I want some Whip hits.
But anyway, whoever the Democrat nominee is next year, they better be ready to be tough. And dear god, don't nominate Hillary! She can't win. Men in the US of A are just not ready to vote for a woman. Shit, I catch hell for letting my wife drive the car when I'm in it. Do you think a country where men feel like they have to operate the big scary driving machine is going to seriously let a skirt run the whole country? It's absurd, but it's reality, people.

3) So-called "Reality TV" hit new lows in 2007. Rock of Love, Tila Tequila's bisexual dating adventure, and "Make Out with Dog Crap for TV Exposure" were all huge hits for VH-1, which has now officially been subtitled, Why the Terrorists Hate Us.

Anyway, 2008 looks to be a hell of a year. My favorite sport comes back in full swing: Presidential politics! Yes, I know these jackals have been circling Iowa and New Hampshire all year, but everything gets more interesting once we get to voting, and certainly once we're down to two candidates.

My prediction: Hillary, with Wesley Clark for Veep against Mitt Romney with Mike Huckabee. President Mitt?