Would Jesus Lick an Ice Cream Cone, or is that Gay?

Recently I got an email about something that happened to a friend of mine. He wrote a letter to Jim Oberweis, a Republican hopeful for Governor of Illinois. Apparently, the Ice Cream Man (www.oberweisdairy.com) thinks it’s important to not let gay people get married in Illinois, and that our state (which was Blue last time I checked, dickhead) should not recognize gay marriages the same way heterosexual marriages are.

This is an issue that is close to me. No, I’m not gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but I have very good friends that are, and their marriage is for some reason “wrong” and mine is “right” in the eyes of the state. I can tell you this, my friends are very much in love… with Barbara Streisand! Just kidding, only David. Rich keeps it real with me in our hatred of all things Babs and her annoying shnozz. Anyway, these guys were meant for one another, and they’re every bit the corny married couple that these knuckleheaded politicians think all heterosexual marriages are for some reason. These guys aren’t partying all night at clubs in San Francisco. They’re not doing elicit drugs in bath houses. Hell, they’re married! Once that happens, your lifestyle becomes much more domestic, gay or straight. When you're married, you might go to a strip club, but your cell phone will accidentally dial your wife at 1:30 in the morning as you and your buddies are talking to the "dancer" as she's trying to convince one of us to pay for a trip to the VIP room. That's just a hypothetical of course... (sorry Kristin)

Why are certain people obsessed with who’s getting married? They think gay couples are somehow affecting the “sanctity of marriage,” whatever that means (if that was really the case, wouldn’t they be more upset with divorce lawyers?). It has NOTHING to do with marriage, of course. These people that rant and rave about gay people obviously don’t know any gay people, or if they do, then they must be afraid of them. Who’d be afraid of Richard Simmons is beyond me, but I can understand how a lot of lesbians can be frightening. And not in the good tied-up, leather with 6 naked chicks way, either. I mean the “women” named Sam that dress in flannel and fatigues, own a home security business or motorcycle repair shop, and have an ass bigger than yours. These ladies are a far cry from the Jenna Jameson types.
(anyone hear about her story of being intimate with Jenny McCarthy on Howard Stern’s Sirius show? The person who told me he heard her telling the story said he had to pull over because he couldn’t concentrate on the road! Either that or he felt like masturbating. Dude, it was on the way to work! You can’t be doing that. Hell, you might finish on your steering wheel and not notice it, like Ben Stiller didn’t notice how he tagged his own ear in There’s Something About Mary, and then you go to make a turn, and SLIP! Now you’re dead. All because of your penis. Well, that might not be a bad way to go…)
But of course I’m joking around. The religious right must feel like gay people will turn them gay. That’s a pretty shaky sexual identity fence they’re sittin' on, huh?

No matter how hairy or scary some lesbians may be, they all have the right to spend their life with who they love, right? I'm not being corny, shit, it’s one of our inalienable rights! The pursuit of happiness! Why we can’t let people do what they want is beyond me. Why anyone would waste their time and energy trying to stop this from happening is ridiculous to me. And the fact that the people who are so adamant about restricting the rights of gay people are almost always religious types, and most of them call themselves Christians. The Christ I learned about in Sunday school every week (which I hated every minute of, and happens to be one of the many reasons I no longer call myself a Christian) was a caring man who treated everyone with respect and kindness. Remember Zaccheus? This guy was a tax collector, someone Republicans hate more than “the gays.” And yet Jesus crashed at the dude’s place. "Zaccheus, hurry and come down, for today I must stay at your house," Jesus said (Luke 19:5). Yes, even heathen pagan sinners like myself can quote the bible! See, it’s just a book of nice little stories to me. I’ll quote Greek or Norse mythology the same way. Thor, Zeus, Cain & Abel, Hercules, Peter, Paul, and Mary: makes no difference to me. So if Jesus himself could chill with a tax collector (Zac was short, too) and then with a hooker (Mary Magdalene), I’m sure my man would not have gone all holier-than-thou on gay people. These religious people these days need to go back and re-read those bibles they carry around with them instead of just thumping on them. “There are actually words inside, dipshit!” It’s a BOOK, not just an ironic symbol of your intolerance.

To see just how twisted these religious right nutcases are, go to http://www.protectmarriageillinois.org/ . It's chockful of hate, ignorance, and fear. Morons galore! I enjoyed perusing the site. Seems like all of those sick articles were pretty much written by one dude. Think he secretly watches "The OC?"

I just LOVE it when these wackjobs use passages of the bible as evidence or to bolster their arguments (which is SO way different from what I did above. I was just showing how the J man needed a pad for the night and that he didn’t discriminate on the short dude). So you found something in an ancient book that's been radically changed over centuries for political purposes that supports your position? Well, aren't you so smart? Why don't these religious people stay at church? Leave me out of it. In fact, go pray to your god, and drink some grape juice out of the same cup with a hundred other people while the rest of us who live in this world run the place, OK? Stop telling me what to do and what to think. These people do really weird things, like getting on their knees and whispering to an invisible man who they think lives in the sky. Like "talking" to a carpenter who they think rose form the dead, but wasn't a scary zombie. I mean, wouldn’t the undead Jesus have scared the crap out of at least one person? Hardcore Christians make no sense, so why do we keep paying attention to them in the first place? Oh, right, I forgot. They VOTE.

I say the most important thing about America is that we are free from religion if we want to be. If going to church and hating gay people is what you enjoy, fine. Go ahead and do it in your home and in your church. But don't think you have the right to pass any laws to bolster your own fear and ignorance.

OK, back to “American Idol,” a can of Pringles, and a cold bottle of Sam Adams. Does it get any more American than that? A TV show we stole from Europe, over-processed potatoes, and beer. God Bless America!

T-to-the-B, your Lay-Zee Revolution-air-eee